The Stainless Steel Rat (stainsteelrat) wrote,
The Stainless Steel Rat
stainsteelrat

:-( Maybe it's a short-lived feeling, but I'm getting *seriously* hacked off again with my lack of friends, and I am feeling *really* annoyed with myself for the friends I have lost and my current inability to know how to make new ones. Even more annoying that I'm trying to make inroads with some old friends, and that's meeting with very little success. What the fuck can I do?! I guess I can be too much of a perfectionist in some senses, but this is nowhere near perfection. I guess it relates to an out-of-balance feeling, if that makes sense. I need some balance...

This morning I have the Marian dialogue going on as well, as to whether I should contact her. It's weakened a little now, but fuck is it annoying! I'm not sure I trust my feelings as to why I want to contact her. It is possible for feelings to be confused, and that could work both for and against me in this situation. Part of me is saying "Ooooh, I would love to be friends with her again" or perhaps it's more just a gut feeling, but I wonder if this is getting confused with the desire to get back together with her. I'm not feeling this for *any* other past relationships, despite having had them both before and *after* Marian. Why am I feeling this way? I would love to think it's destiny calling, or some hang-up of relationship chemistry trying to tell me something. Only I don't believe in these sort of things.

Grumble, grumble, grumble...
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