June 24th, 2003

BB Piano

(no subject)

Confusion excelsior.

Well Luciane is dead set on coming to Europe. I can't afford the holiday she wants, so I suspect we'll do some of it together and she'll continue on her own, which is kinda sad. I'm rather worried that I will fall in love. It doesn't take much for me to fall in love, but in Luciane's case I think it would be justified (making it even more potent). What the hell happens if (a) she's not interested and we have to spend a holiday together and (b) she goes back to Brazil (assuming she likes me also). I was very tired last night and discussed it in no uncertain terms. Better to be honest about it in my opinion. She seemed very philosophical about it, that it would be great if things went that well, it would be better that we met and see what happens than not to meet etc. Damn, I always pick the mature ones ;-)

She went on to say that she had just as much to lose, and a lot of fear of relationships. She had two serious relationships that went very awry. I think her point being that we've both been in the same boat, which was a really helpful thing to say.

I think a large part of me is afraid to be happy. I was in the midst of this discussion and I was thinking "why don't I want to do this?". I could feel a fear of committing to it. I was so tired last night that I was able to get a relatively easy grip on what the issue was, and I realised that I was seeing (in my mind's eye) the tear jerking scene at the airport, or the comedown as Lu tells me she's not interested. A fear of those events stops me from starting anything that might lead to them. This isn't just an issue with Lu, this saturates everything I do.

I was discussing the whole aspect of rejection with the Therapist last week. The topic just appeared in the discussion. I suspect this is a huge issue for me, and another one that has been uncovered. Maybe it's the root issue. My guess is that it leads all the way back to childhood when I felt rejected by my parents, and then by a succession of best friends who moved away. The double edge is that I have this overpowering feeling of attachment presumably as a way of making up for that which I didn't get as a kid. A case of the mind compensating perhaps.

So I have this overpowering attachment which fucks up relationships, and then a fear to do anything which might lead to some form of rejection...

... great!

Oh well, knowing these things is the first step to unpicking them.