The Stainless Steel Rat (stainsteelrat) wrote,
The Stainless Steel Rat

Switching back to public mode again.

I feel the need to write some more, plus I think I've adjusted myself for writing more about what I feel again. That was the original intention, to write more about feelings, and exorcise them perhaps. If people want to comment, have suggestions, then that's fine by me.

Anyway, the last couple of days I have been in a mire of depression again. I have been taking Starflower/Borage oil for my skin and I'm not sure whether there is a side effect of this but there is a component within these (GLA - Gamma Linolenic Acid) that is supposed to be good for the hormonal system. One theory is that I have bad skin because of issues with my hormones. Anyway, it seems to have affected my moods as a side effect. I seem to get longer and more pronounced highs, but approximately fortnightly (by my reckoning) serious lows. Maybe around 2 or 3 days long. I am trying to record these in a separate diary of "food, mood and exercise". The latter was relatively empty until today, as I went out cycling for the first time in *months*. It was only 20 minutes, but my lungs were absolutely heaving. Some little fucker kids shouted "I'm going to throw this ball at your arse mister!". So I shouted, "Do that and I'll fucking kill ya!". It felt good. What is it with some kids?

A somewhat momentous event occurred. I succumbed to the months and months of thinking about it and sent a text message to Marian. For some reason this has been bugging me and bugging me, so perhaps by going through with it I'll stop the bugs! Read simply "Hi Marian. This is Mark. I hope you and Aisling are well. Is the offer of friendship still open?". The immediate next step is not to worry myself to death about waiting for a response. I guess she might have a new phone number now among other things, or a boyfriend. tbh I didn't text her to be a boyfriend, and I can't be anyway for her I'm sure. But I have a distinct lack of friends, and she was one of the most relaxed natural people I have ever met. I'm still not sure whether we were well matched on any levels, but there was chemistry there that would have made a won a Nobel prize. Strange innit. Anyway, I need to focus on the here and now. Rob says I should also stop relating everything to me, which is sound advice. I have to continue to look for jobs, sign up for a couple of evening classes, and carry on with the cycling. Lets hope I can manage it.

I feel very sorry for my brother-in-law. He's a great friend anyway, and a really really nice guy. He had a car crash and his Dad was killed. Really really awful. Another car on a dual carriageway left the lane and came into his, hitting him head on. I guess this made me think a little about the time we have in life, and what we do with it, like any event of this nature does.
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