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The Rat who is made of Stainless Steel


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stainsteelrat
Hmmm, I have a stinking headache :-( I tried to do some cycling, but each revolution made me feel sick. Perhaps it's a migraine, in fact I'm fairly sure it is.

I was wondering what the cause of this social downward spiral has been. Is it circular? Is it that I had problems being with people, so saw less and less people to the point where I see no-one and the situation is ultimately magnified. Or is it that I just don't like people, that it isn't in my nature etc. Or is it that I just haven't met many genuine people. I'm not sure...

I often feel this drag, this feeling of being pulled down. Where I just want to sit and do nothing, but it's essentially impossible to do nothing, you're always doing something. Maybe I'm trying to will myself into a coma?

So if this is in my nature, am I fighting a lost battle?

Something the Psychotherapist wanted me to identify were conflict situations. It did dawn on me quite heavily through discussions with her that I often feel this conflict where the "angelic" (?) side of me *knows* I should do something because it's good, positive, healthy, crap crap crap. But, the "lazy" or "bad" (?) side of me just nags away. Recent cases in point include going out today, being with my family (and sister) yesterday, the counselling class debacle last week.

So am I trying to fight an inherent nature? Psychology is a weird thing.

Ultimately I wonder if I am not motivated because there is nothing serious to be motivated about. OK, up until recently (and perhaps still to some extent) I could get excited about buying a DVD, or a CD, or clothes, or whatever. But these are just crappy stupid possessions and really what do they give you in life? How do they actually move your life onward? OK, once in a while there might be some truly interesting and artistic content, but often I didn't choose them for this. So what I need is a more fulfilling motivation, perhaps most importantly at work for the present, but more importantly in the long term outside of work (and I know a family is there at the top of the list). I guess human nature always makes us (or most of us) strive for something better, something new etc. I guess I would like to evolve beyond this. What's the next level?